Stop Dating Losers

How often have you found yourself dating the same loser – over and over again — only to break up (again) and then wonder why you went out with them in the first place? If they were not right for you before, they won’t be right for you now. So, how can you learn to stop dating losers and start dating the right people for you?

Listen to your friends, family and co-workers when they talk about your new relationship. If they are NOT “in like” with this person, they most likely will have a better view of the person’s character and how they are treating you.

Take an inventory of your values. What are the most important qualities you want or need to have in a partner? Start with as many things as you can think of, then break them down into separate lists: Non-negotiable, Good-to-have, and Bonus.

If someone you are dating obviously lacks one of the non-negotiable items on the first date, don’t go out with them again on the off chance that you read them wrong. You read them RIGHT and NO you are not too picky.

Things to keep in mind about dating:

1. Do you have similar life experiences? You don’t want to date someone who has a failure-to-launch mentality. Are they willing to try new things? Do they respect other people? Are they willing to do less complaining and more of what it takes to change themselves?
2. Use logic instead of emotion. I tell my clients all the time: Imagine introducing your new love to someone of importance to you. Can you see yourself in those situations, or does it make you feel uncomfortable? Is this someone you can just have fun with in the moment? Or can you see yourself in a lifelong relationship with them? If you’re going to date someone exclusively, you want to be sure they have a personality you can live with. If not, don’t kid yourself into believing that they will change!
3. Listen to your intuition. We all have it: that little voice in our heads that, on many occasions, tells us when we’re making a mistake. Listen to that voice because it is telling you something that you might not be willing to see. That voice in the back of your mind is looking out for you. Listen to it.
4. Don’t confuse attraction with love. There are many people in this world that you might be attracted to, but that doesn’t mean that they are all worth dating. Do a quick inventory to see if they remind you of someone you have known in your past, including one of your parents. Ask yourself if these are qualities you really like or just ones with which you are familiar and comfortable. We are often attracted to what is familiar, positive or negative.  Be choosy about who you go out with and only go out with those you think really have a chance of being the right ONE for you.
5. Look at yourself honestly. Often when we keep dating losers, it’s time to look in the mirror. Why are you attracting the wrong people? Is it because you are fearful this might be THE ONE and you don’t see it or feel it yet? Do you feel you don’t deserve a good partner, or deserve to be happy? You do! And getting clear on why you’re attracted to a certain individual can be an important step toward that happiness.
6. Practice saying no. Don’t date someone out of guilt or fear that you will hurt their feelings. Practice saying “no” to people who ask you for things that you don’t want to do. It will help you realize that no one ever died from the word “no.” Be polite but firm.
7. Do whatever it takes to make yourself realize that you are someone who is worthy of someone special, who will treat you with respect but not put you on a pedestal.
8. Build up your self-esteem through assertiveness classes, coaching, counseling or joining groups where there are other people trying to do the same thing. If there aren’t any around, start one yourself! Nobody likes a doormat or a clinging vine.