Rules For Fair Fighting: Step By Step

Fair fighting is an important part of healthy conflict resolution. All conflicts require "Rules of Engagement." It helps us remember that we are vulnerable to emotions and we can get out of our healthy place every now and then, but it is necessary for us to still treat each other with kindness and compassion in order for us to come out of any argument with a sense of dignity and clarity.

Helpful Ground Rules:

1. Know what your goals are before you begin. Ask yourself some hard questions such as, “What exactly is bothering me? What do I want the other person to do or not do? Are my feelings in proportion to the issue?” What are the possible outcomes that could be acceptable to you?

2. Look for “Solutions” not “winners and losers.” Winners and loser only serve to break the relationship down. Remember that the idea is not to “win” but to come to a mutually satisfying and peaceful solution to the problem.

3. Set a time for a discussion with your partner-in-conflict. It should be as soon as possible but agreeable to both persons. Springing something when another is unprepared may leave the other person feeling that he or she has to fend off an attack. If you encounter resistance to setting a time, try to help the other person see that the problem is important to you.

4. State the problem clearly. At first, try to stick to the facts; then, once you’ve stated the facts, state your feelings. Use “I” messages to describe feelings of anger, hurt, or disappointment. Avoid “you” messages such as “you make me angry….”

5. Invite your partner-in-conflict to share his or her point of view, and use active listening skills. Be careful not to interrupt, and genuinely try to hear his or her concerns and feelings. If it seems helpful, try to restate what you have heard in a way that lets your partner know you have fully understood, and ask your partner to do the same for you.

6. Try to take the other’s perspective – that is, try to see the problem through his or her eyes. The “opposing” viewpoint can make sense even if you don’t agree.

7. Propose specific solutions and compromise. Invite the other person to propose solutions too. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of each proposal. When there is agreement on a proposal for change, celebrate! Set a trial period for the new behavior. At the end of the trial period, you can discuss the possibility of modifying or continuing the change. If no solution has been reached regarding the original problem, schedule a time to begin the discussion again.

8. Develop routines that make you feel safe and have meaning to you both. Remember to return to those when you are feeling less than safe. Code words that mean something to us and keep us avoiding a collapse maybe helpful but the routines you developed in your early part of your relationship has significant meaning. My partner and I use “Let’s go to Starbucks.” It is a safe place for us because when we were first getting to know each other, we would meet and talk. Later, it became our favorite activity so it became a ritual for us to go early on Sunday mornings and enjoy each other’s company. We remember what it meant to us and return when we need to talk in the surroundings of our warm feelings towards each other.

9. Always, always apologize! No one is above apologies. There are many studies to show that an apology indicates forgiveness, not only for the discourse, but for your part in it. Forgiveness and apologies are just as much for you as it is for your partner and the relationship.

~Wendy Pegan, Relationship Builder